My Soul to Keep
by SophieSaulie
Summary: A sequel to When Hope is all You have Left. Sam and Dean find closure.


**My Soul to Keep**

**A sequel to When Hope is all you have Left**

_Faith--is the Pierless Bridge Supporting what We see Unto the Scene that We do not. -Emily Dickinson_

_Faith is, above all, openness; an act of trust in the unknown - Alan Watts_

_As for courage and will - we cannot measure how much of each lies within us, we can only trust there will be sufficient to carry through trials which may lie ahead. -Andre Norton_

**oooo**

"_Dean, you know this is all my fault."_

"_Yeh? And who broke the first seal. We've been through all this. It doesn't do any good to rehash it all over again. The past is done, finito."_

"_Maybe, but there's one thing I'll never get back."_

"_What's that? What could be that important?"_

"_Your trust."_

Dean looked into Sam's exhausted, pained eyes and he felt his body, too, give into his own exhaustion. He sat next to Sam on the cot.

"Sammy –"

"You don't have to say it and I'd rather you not lie to me. I'm not saying it to rehash, Dean, just being honest with you for once. I know what I lost, what I took away from us as brothers. Believe me, you don't have to tell me that you don't trust me because I can feel that you don't and never will."

"I'm just having trouble dealing right now."

"I get that and after what I did to Famine, I know you never will and I can't blame you. I don't blame you."

"Did you hear what Famine said to me?" Dean asked.

"What? No, I guess I must have walked in right after. What'd he say?" Sam asked concerned it was something about him and his darkness.

"He did a read on me and whoa, not an experience I want to relive, let me tell you, but he said he found nothing inside of me, that the reason I didn't get affected by him was because I was dead inside. That nothing could fill me up. That I was just going through the motions."

Sam watched Dean's expression soften and become sad.

"And he was right."

"No, he wasn't," Sam insisted gently.

Dean rubbed his hands and couldn't face Sam.

"After I came back from Hell, I wondered a lot about what I might have come back as or maybe even more what I left behind there. I've wondered more than once if I still had my soul, the same one I went to Hell with. I didn't feel different, but that didn't mean anything. I was worried I was a ticking time bomb that Alistair could reactivate like some kind of sleeper cell agent, that I'd become his little apprentice again on earth. I was worried that I'd hurt you and everyone else that crossed my path. It all crossed my mind, Sammy."

"But none of that happened. You're still the same Dean."

"Yet. It hasn't happened yet. That's all we can say. And I'm not so sure I'm the same Dean. When Famine read me, told me I was empty, I couldn't deny that I wasn't sure. Now with all this vessel crap, as much as I want to believe that we can fight it, what if **I** can't? What if coming back meant that I **had** to be Michael's vessel? That it was only the reason for coming back in the first place."

Sam had never heard Dean so unsure about his fate, about himself and he couldn't absolve himself for being partially responsible. After all, Dean had so much as told him that he had counted on him above anyone else, to watch his back and Sam hadn't. Still, from the moment that they had been faced with the Apocalypse, Dean had been unwavering about his conviction that they would win on their own terms, but hearing about being Michael's vessel, that maybe Dean had to give consent or let the world end, it had changed things and now Sam knew why.

"Dean, I don't believe that and deep down, you don't either," Sam said.

"I'm not so sure anymore. I mean Cas doesn't believe it. He gave me a pep talk," Dean said shaking his head with a broad smile on his face.

Sam felt another hitch in his chest. It should have been his job to do that for Dean.

"Well, then that should prove it to you, after all, he pulled you from Hell saying that God needed you."

Dean stood up abruptly, the light mood gone in a flash.

"Yeh, to be Michael's vessel."

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you and neither does Cas. We don't have any freakin' idea why I was pulled from the pit."

"Yeh, I do," Sam said, his voice changing from his own self-piteous tone to one of confidence for a brother he knew better than anyone even if he allowed himself to be convinced otherwise. That was Sam's bad, not Dean's.

Dean turned to face Sam.

"Well, enlighten me. What other POSSIBLE reason could God have for wanting me out of Hell?"

"You," Sam said simply.

"Okay, I think you need to get some sleep because –"

"Just because I wasn't smart enough to see, doesn't mean that anyone and I mean ANYONE else wasn't, especially God. He's supposed to be all knowing."

Dean blinked and watched Sam's expression become both apologetic and determined all at the same time.

"What are you talking about?"

"Dean, ever since we were kids, you've never thought of yourself as all that important, but you were to Dad and to me. We would have never have survived without you watching our backs."

"Sam…"

"No, you have to listen to me. I'm not saying this to get back into your good graces. I know I'm well past that, but that doesn't mean that I don't get to have a say in what might happen," Sam said as he took a breath to look into his brother's eyes. "You were so sure that making our own decisions, choosing our own fates was the only way to go and now, just because some old geezer of a horseman claimed to read that you're just going through the motions, all of sudden you're questioning yourself? Well, I may have made a mistake about trusting who you were when you came out of Hell –"

"You had every right –"

"No, Dean, I didn't. What I do know is the brother who raised me, who has lifted my ass out of plenty of fires without a second's thought to his own life, his own soul, THAT brother is still here, has been here all along. I know you. I **should** have trusted you. And just because I was too caught up in trying to prove myself, to whom I don't know anymore because the only one who counted I let down in the worst way, doesn't change the fact that you would NEVER risk anyone else if you didn't truly believe that you were right. You're tired. I get that. Who wouldn't be? We all are, but that has NOTHING to do with you and it doesn't mean that the way to fix things is to become Michael's vessel. That's giving up and my brother doesn't give up."

Dean listened and watched the little brother he still loved and would die for again argue the value of his soul.

"The only reason you're not sure is because of me," Sam said sadly, "because you're not sure about me."

"No, Sam –"

"It's okay, Dean. You have reason."

Dean walked over to Sam, feeling it was his turn to be honest.

"Before I called you about teaming up again, Zacariah had played more mind games on me and sent me forward five years so I could see what my decision to not become Michael's meat suit would cause. I don't need to tell you what kind of future he painted. He had you saying yes to Lucifer and me, well, me he had sending my friends, Cas among them, into a trap so I could kill you. Bad thing for Zach was that I didn't take away from the experience what he wanted. What I **did** learn was how wrong I was to push you away, not once, but twice. That's why I called. I DO trust you, Sam. It's just that I don't know what else to trust anymore and I don't want you, Bobby or Cas to get caught in the crossfire."

Sam was surprised at how much relief he felt when he heard Dean tell him that he trusted him. A part of him knew that it was selfish to feel good about something he knew he hadn't earned, not by a long shot, but knowing Dean trusted him meant everything to him. If existence could be gained from the trust of his big brother then Sam got that and more. He now had to give it all back. He had to do the right thing for a change.

"I'm glad that you didn't believe Zach and thanks for saying you trust me. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear it even if you don't mean it."

"Sam –"

"I haven't earned it, Dean, not yet, maybe not ever, but I'm okay with that. As long as we face whatever is ahead together, I can deal with everything else. All I want is to have my brother watch my back again because I know he could never do anything else and to prove to him that I'll do the same for him. Long as you believe that, it's all I want."

Dean watched Sam's face and decided not to fight with him about points that weren't important. They were just words. Winchesters proved with actions and even though Sam didn't need to prove anything to him, he realized that Sam needed to prove it to himself. Dean understood that and would let him.

"Okay, Sammy," Dean said softly.

"You boys done with your girl talk?" Bobby's comforting voice boomed through the panic room door.

Sam and Dean looked at each other and smiled.

"Yeh, we're done," Dean said back.

"Good because I don't know about you, but we got some serious Apocalypse to mess with here. We need another plan and I got nothing."

The boys stood up and Sam, still shaky from the withdrawal, wavered on his legs. Dean grabbed him and held him up. Sam closed his eyes, both exhausted and comforted. He was finally feeling like he could come out of all this whole again or as whole as he needed to be to help Dean find a way out of the mess they were all in.

**FIN. Another sequel to come.**


End file.
